0shawotting:

slurpuffs:

not all men

are as addicted to carpet as i am. i rub different textures of carpet all over my body. i smell the fresh new carpet smell and feel myself get excited. i work day and night to collect different types of carpet from wherever i am. i sleep with a carpet pillow i have made by hand. i wrap myself in a cocoon of carpet and feel myself merge into the fabric, becoming one…  

(Source: goojiras)


tinalikesbutts:

Okay never say that period pains aren’t that bad because one time I had an ovarian cyst that burst before they found it, and when the doctor saw how big it was, he asked me, “How were you not screaming in pain?”

And my response was, “Oh, I thought they were just cramps.”


imthedoctorbasicallyfun:

dionthesocialist:

Sometimes, I wish I could ban my students from saying the word “gay” unless we’re specifically talking about homosexual people. Today one kid said that the ceiling was gay. Ceiling can’t be gay. Ceiling can’t even be straight. Ceiling is ceiling. Ceiling’s sexual preference is light bulb.

Yeah, I’ve noticed quite the spark between them. There’s even been a rumor going around that they’ve screwed.

(Source: dion-thesocialist)


hi:

I respect those people who get a lot done on their days off cause I am the absolute opposite and do nothing all day whenever I can


Martin Freeman being a complete cutie psycho killer

(Source: watsonizing)


thrillionaire:

just spooning my boyfriend

out of his container

it’s ice cream


westdell-express:

I cant believe this

westdell-express:

I cant believe this


nerdinessinabluebox:

thorthousand1:

Just called an anorexia help line and the girl answered and immediately hearing I was male said “you’re real funny douche” and hung up. If you dot think that’s messed up, u messed up.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME


ruinedchildhood:

Mom: Home in 5 minutes, hope you’ve taken the chicken out of the freezer

Me: image


officialunitedstates:

proposed changes to jeopardy:

  • each wrong answer earns you one second in piranha pit at end of show
  • final round music plays whole time
  • alex trebek upside down (or everything else upside down)
  • contestants reveal their deepest secret for an extra 10k